I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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