someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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