Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
