Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
