so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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