I smell stomach acid.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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