Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
