its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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