Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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