u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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