Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
