I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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