Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
