How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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