Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
