My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
