He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
