Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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