Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
