I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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