I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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