i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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