dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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