Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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