If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
