that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I cut my penus on the lid.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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