I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
