Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Houston, we have a blender
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
