It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
