Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
