i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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