So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
