Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
