There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
