I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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