shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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