My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
