just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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