I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
