I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
