I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
