mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
