the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
