what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
