I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
