I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
