Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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