oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
