I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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