he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
