his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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