Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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