All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
