She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
