seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
