my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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