i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
