My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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