you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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