you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
