Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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