Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
